Do you hate my hair?

Do you hate my hair?

My relationship with my hair is a very messy, complicated one. We fight a lot. One day I wake up wanting an icy blonde bob, and the next day I envy those who have long, dark luscious locks. In short, my hair causes me much grief.

But this blog post isn’t about my hair. It’s about my ability to make everything more dramatic than it needs to be. Kidding! (Kind of.)

In May 2018, I made a promise to myself: I refused to cut my hair again until I graduated. In my extreme unrest and desire for change, I kept it long but dyed it blonde. Then, a mere five days after graduation came the chop.

I remember complaining endlessly to my friends about my hair. But the second I chopped it, I wondered if I had made a mistake. All your progress is gone! What did you just do?!

The whole soap-opera drama involving my hair revealed much more about myself than I realized at the time. My hair was growing, just as that season of my life was one of growth. After being run down and emotionally exhausted for far too long, it’s what I needed. It may not have been want I wanted, but it is what I needed.

As silly as it seems, I do feel like God was teaching me something through that process of waiting. Just the other day, I listened to a sermon about the power of God’s working in the waiting. (It’s like my pastor knew that my hair was driving me insane.)

I actually laughed at myself when I decided to stick with my decision to let my hair grow–that awkward stage of growth in which so many people give up can also be an outlet for some of the most beautiful outcomes.

So sure, I might have complained (and still complain) a lot about my hair. But ultimately, waiting it out and keeping my promise to myself was more important to me. And God is showing me that I need to be faithful to Him and wait on His perfect timing.

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In The Middle Of It All.

In The Middle Of It All.

“The unpredictable has found a hand to hold.”

Citizen, In The Middle Of It All

I’ve been getting a little overwhelmed by my mind recently. My tendency to internalize my thoughts and emotions has proven to add much more stress than needed to my life. I’m just so exhausted.

Exhausted by all the hurt my friends and family have experienced.

Exhausted by the feeling of being a passive participant in this life I’ve been given.

Exhausted by my own bitterness and anger and never ending questions.

Exhausted by the hatred and evil in the world. 

However, tonight in the midst of all the paralyzing thoughts and feelings stirring in my soul, I heard a still, small voice in my mind saying, “Do not grow weary in doing good.” God in His goodness immediately reminded me of that beautiful verse from Galatians 6.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9

When it all falls apart,

When people hate you,

When you are utterly alone,

When you encounter those who defend immorality,

When you feel intimidated by the happenings of this world,

When those who profess to be Christians do not reflect Christ in any capacity,

When you feel like you can’t go on,

do not grow weary in doing good. 

Weariness of mind and heart makes sense for me right now. My life is on the brink of change. New things await, old things still beckon. Everything is in flux.

One song that keeps replaying in my mind during this season of life is “In the Middle of It All” by Citizen. I don’t really like the band, actually, but I love this song. My friend showed it to me while she was struggling with some similar things I am now. The band uses this song to proclaim despair and hurt and confusion. And then right before the chorus they sing, “In the middle of it all, I found you there.”

While it’s very clear the artist didn’t intend for it to be a spiritual song, I think God continues to show me more of Himself through things like this. In the middle of all my stress and anxiety and bitterness and resentment and excitement and confusion, I found Him. I found God in the storm of my life. And He alone is worth the pursuit. That alone gives me peace and calms the storms of my mind.